I would apologise for the radio silence, but eating like a thug means never needing to apologise. Truth is, I’ve been staying at a house in the woods the last week and a half, with no wifi. #nowifi #firstworldproblems

So I wanted to snack like a fucking king, and the Thugs had told me that I could do that with their zucchini chips. I decided to pair that shit up with creamy butter, bitch black bean dip. Can I just say it was goddamn delicious, and friggin’ easy to make.

DE-FUCKIN’-LISH!

Now the zucchini chips were a different story. Not that they weren’t delicious, coz they were. Buuuuuut…..The Thugs don’t lie (nor do pimps, according to that one song…but that’s a different story that I can tell you about another day). The thugs had warned that I should keep an eye on them because they can go from good to burnt-to-shit in a hot second. Did I heed that warning? Not exactly.

I had the right intentions. I did.

Once I’d converted the temperature to celsius, and thrown them in the oven, I set a timer on my phone to make sure I wasn’t going to burn them to smoky smithereens.

But then I went down into the basement to check out a bar my man had been building out of pallets we’d salvaged for free (who doesn’t love free shit, right? And who doesn’t like bars?) Did I bring my phone? No. Did I leave it in the fucking kitchen like some sorta chump? Yes, yes, I did.

Did I come back up a million minutes later to find the timer going off, my child repeatedly saying ‘oh oh!’, and pointing excitedly at the oven? Hell yes. While I’d been admiring the bar, all hell had broken loose in my kitchen.

So heed my warning and heed the Thugs. They know what they’re talking about. Avoid the hypnotic stare of bars, even if they are trying to lure you in with tasty homemade cocktails. You can’t trust those fuckers.

It did make me think though. How would the Thugs know that the zucchini chips burn easily unless they’ve done it themselves? It brings me some sort of twisted, reassuring comfort to know that the Thugs are just as human as the rest of us. I think I may have mentally elevated them to Kitchen Gods. I’ve placed them on a pedestal before, and before this game is over, I’ll do it again.