This went all wrong.

You know when you make waffles or pancakes and the first one you make is always a bit off? Weird looking, like the runt of the litter?

Well all my waffles turned out like that today. ALL OF THEM. Except for one.

I’m not sure what went wrong. I followed the instructions to the letter. I noticed a weird thing with that actually. The Thug Kitchen said to add two cups of almond milk to a small glass and mix in the apple cider vinegar. Well I tried that ‘small-glass’ action and it didn’t work out because it wouldn’t fit, so I had to get out my most enormous glass and transfer the liquids to that. Of course I sloshed it everywhere, but that’s just the way I roll; Clumsily.

I mixed all the dry ingredients together, making a well in the middle to chuck the liquids into. Everything was going well. I’d never used cornmeal in waffles before and once mixed it all had a lovely creamy, pale yellow colour. Smelled good too.

I thought this is good. Got the waffle maker going, and then promptly burnt the shit out of the first one. It turned out beautiful on one side, but totally blackened on the other. Two-faced bastard. It also got stuck to the waffle maker. I thought nothing of it at the time because, well, hey. It was the first waffle. And we all know the way it goes with the first waffle.

Here’s the nice side. The other side looked like a burn victim, and it made me feel sad, so I didn’t photograph it. Still, I slathered the waffle iron with fresh oil and moved on.

The next one was even worse. Again it was stuck to the waffle maker, and it was burning, so I turned down the heat settings, and tried to pry it off with a fork. My 4-year-old son got curious and came over to watch. I was scraping away, and he was picking up the bits that I’d scraped off, and eating them off the counter. I shooed him out of the kitchen and attempted the next one. This one was bad too, and they just got consistently worse.

Look at those waffles. Those are all different waffles. And yet they all have one thing in common. They are all offensive to the eye.

Look at this. This is where waffles come to die.

Scraping the dough out was a bitch, and I had to be careful-the wafflemaker was borrowed from my cousin. Didn’t wanna return it in some weird ass condition. I respect her too much for that. (and besides she’s pregnant and would probably get all hormonal and whoop my ass)

Yet I was intrigued. What was going on? It was like the waffles had made a suicide-pact and had agreed on mass cremation. I had tried all sorts of things: turning down the temperature, turning up the temperature, using more oil, using less oil, using different oil…I thought if I gave them less time, they’d be less likely to blacken and burn, but then they just stuck the two sides of the waffle iron together, like some fucked up metal sandwich with crazy glue-papermache filling.

My little son kept dancing happily into the kitchen asking when breakfast would be ready so I started feeding him scraps of burnt waffleness. I realised I’d forgotten all about making the strawberry sauce, and then distractedly seared one of my fingers on the hot metal. After shrieking and then scraping the waffle iron for what felt like the 100th time, it slammed shut and I moved my hand JUST in time before its hungry jaws latched onto me like some greedy venus fly trap. This making waffles is hazardous business.

Finally, I managed ONE good waffle, and my kid wasn’t having it. It was all mine, and after rummaging around at the back of the fridge I found a random carton of cherry sauce that I thought I could pimp it up with.Then I paparazzied its ass until it was stone cold.

I ate my cold, dry waffle. By now I’d given up all hope. I had waffle dough in my hair, the kitchen was a mess and smelt like deep-fried onions rings. I’m not sure why, but it just did.

Relax. My kid was happy. I’d made him a plate of deformed offerings, and he had some of my waffle too. He hasn’t had waffles before so he was none the wiser. Besides, served on a Spiderman plate most things taste awesome.

This is the plate of “waffles” I left for my husband to wake up to.

(Prepare yourself, there are sarcastic air quotes there for a reason.)

WTF went wrong? There was oil in the recipe, and I’d greased the waffle iron. I’d used this waffle iron before, so that couldn’t be it either. Was it the cornmeal? Had I got the wrong ingredient? Did I get the wrong Danish equivalent? Or are Danish waffle irons just not suitable for American waffle recipes? That would be weird, and besides I’d made the Thug Kitchen Spiced Apple Waffles before and they’d turned out AMAZING. In this very same waffle iron.

It’s all a bit mysterious. All I know is now my waffles match my burnt, melted tablecloth.

But let’s end on a picture of the good waffle. Let’s remember that this waffle was a survivor. When all the other waffles joined a cult and agreed on mass suicide/cremation this one did not succumb to peer pressure.

Waffle, I applaud thee.