Almost Orgasmic Noodles


The challenge: to cook all the Thug Kitchen recipes, all 115 of them, from their first book Eat Like You Give a Fuck. To do this within a short ass year.

I’m getting to that panicked stage now. Am I gonna make it?

I keep thinking, “I got this” and then suddenly I remember a recipe or two that I still haven’t cooked or accounted for. After this recipe I’ll have 7 more to cook. In 5 fucking days. Did I mention that I have other things on my calendar? Last night, I woke up randomly wondering if it was a leap year. If it’s a leap year I can buy another day I thought, and then rolled over and went back to sleep.

Anyway, whenever I feel stressed now I just fill my mouth with these noodles and I forget all about my worries. They are so good. Almost orgasmic even.

Tempeh Peanut Noodles with Blanched Kale

First problem: though I could easily eat kale all year round, it seems that you can’t buy it 365 days a year. I searched everywhere, to no fucking avail. Is it not the season for Kale or something?

So what did I do? I figured I could either use frozen kale, or fresh spinach, so I flipped a coin to let the Gods decide. The coin landed on its edge, and it was clear the Gods were laughing in my face. So I bought some spinach and headed home feeling like a Kale-Fraud.


After my kale-fail I mixed up the peanut sauce, chopped the green onions, and cooked me some noodles. I used spaghetti this time because the Thugs had said it was okay. Well, their exact words were: ‘Soba, udon, spaghetti, whatthefuckever.’ (Go check page 169. It’s true. That’s what they said.)

I’d actually put the spaghetti in a small pan as you can see, before reading the instructions again; ‘use a larger soup pot than usual’ because I’d come to need the extra space. While rummaging around the cupboards for a bigger soup pot I managed to pull some weird clumsy move and smash another one of our bowls. Whoops. We only have 3 left now. Once there were 8. or 10.


Once I’d cleared up the bowl massacre, I carried on. I decided that rather than blanch the wannabe kale (i.e. spinach) I’d just throw it in with the tempeh since it’s not as thick-skinned as kale, and I didn’t wanna overcook it.


Just look at that green goodness in there! It smelled goddamn fantastic once I’d added garlic, ginger and soy sauce. There was another ingredient too, but unless you have the book you just won’t know will you?

I added the spaghetti and the peanut sauce, and then stirred it like there was no tomorrow (there almost isn’t! 5 more days is all that’s left!!! AARGH!) Then I sprinkled the green onions over the whole thing with such artistic flair that you’d think I had some pottery spinning somewhere, and a paintbrush tucked behind my ear.



The Thugs have done it again. This is such a good recipe. It makes a great meal on its own, it doesn’t need a fucking thing. Leave the salt and pepper in the kitchen bitches, this is all the flavour you’re ever gonna need.

I was a bit worried that it was too soon to have noodles again. It felt like only the day before yesterday that I’d made the Thug Kitchen Vegetable Pad Thai (which by the way it was). The pad thai was awesome, but I was not in the mood for samey noodles. So I hadn’t been jump-for-joy excited at the prospect of the tempeh peanut noodles. Man, was I wrong. There was nothing even remotely samey about these. Whereas the pad thai was crunchy, these noodles were creamy and delectable. I think the peanuts involved in both dishes had been misleading.

So my dear friends, my fabulous fuckers, today’s lesson is: do not be misled by peanuts. Instead sink your teeth into this. An involutary ‘mmmmm’ cannot help but escape from your throat, because this shit is real.



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