The challenge: To cook and blog all 115 recipes from the Thug Kitchen Official Cookbook within a year. There are now only TWO days left, and until I finish writing this shit down there are still 6 recipes hanging over my head. By the end of today only two recipes will remain.

SHIIIIIIT.

So, yesterday I fucked up a little. I had a procrastination day. I didn’t type a single word.

So now it’s back to bite me on my glorious ass, because now I’ve got to tell you about FOUR fucking recipes that I made in one hit. However, because I don’t want my savouries mixing with my sweets, I’ve spread the recipes out into two blog posts.

Banana Cream Pie and Beans just don’t belong together. Call me old-fashioned, call me beanist, whatever. Either way, this post is about the Chocolate Fudge Pops and the Banana Cream Pie, and this other post is about the Apple Baked Beans and the Breakfast Greens.

Banana Cream Pie

To say that things have been busy in my kitchen is the understatement of the year. I’d decided to make four recipes in one day, but half that day was already gone. I was starting to lose my shit in the kitchen, I tell you.

I started by making the banana cream pie. I’d been putting off doing this one because I’d never made a pie crust from scratch before and I was feeling quite nervous. What if I fucked it up? The only way I could time it all now was if I baked it and brought it to a christening I was going to, so I was blindly trusting the Thugs to have my back on this one. They had never let me down before so I was hoping it would be good this time too because I just did not have enough time in my life to make another cake to bring. At least not without burning the candle at both ends and staying up really late. But life’s also meant to be fun, you know? Why be sleep deprived and shitty with everyone if you don’t need to be?

I hustled to get the stuff stirred together to make sand that looked like it was ‘from a shitty playground’. I have to say I’ve seen worse. I didn’t find any broken glass or bits of syringe in there. I then pressed it into the pie plate, which Again made me feel thankful for there not being any syringes in there. I had no idea if it was the right size pie plate because it said standard size, which in my inexperienced pie world could’ve meant anything.

I threw some beans on there, and some split peas just for fun.

What I wanna know is – the beans you throw on top of the foil when the pie goes in the oven…Are they spent? Casualties lost in the pie wars? Or can you reuse them? Well, in it went, and later I peeled off the foil to fling it back in the oven for round two of baking.

Yes, that’s my silhouette you can see. I’m not a photographer editing pro/vampire that doesn’t have a reflection. Besides you’re meant to be looking at the pie. But wait, while you’re here, aren’t my elbow marvellous?

Anyway, I went on to make the custard filling, and let me tell you right now, that is a labour of love. The amount of stirring made giving a porn star a hand job seem like a walk in the park. (Not that I would know. Ahem.)

With a small child in the house who’s obsessed with bananas, trying to keep him away from the pie at this stage was like trying to keep an addict out of a crack house. I had to swat his hand away from the pie as many times as a stripper slaps away the gropey hands of strangers. (Again, not that I would know. Ahem.)

I put it in the fridge and moved on to the other three recipes that I made that day. It was meant to chill for three hours and then I was meant to put the coconut whipped cream on. Did I forget, until I was just about to go to bed? Yes I did. Was I fucking pissed off? Yes, yes I was.

I frosted that bitch with the whipped cream in the morning and prayed to the coconut Gods that it would have time to set before the party. And that I wouldn’t drop the pie dish on the way over.

Is it me or does the whipped cream look like it has eyes? Or boobs? Your call.

I forgot to take a photo of it once it was sliced. To be honest I was lucky to get a slice because I was a at a party with 60 people and there were loads of other cakes and pies, and this was probably one of the smallest ones there. But it’s not about size, it’s quality that matters. I received several compliments on the pie, one guest even said he was aroused by it. And I’m not even kidding.

I thought it was delicious, and still quite light. Which is great after a heavier dinner, or if you need space for other cakes like I did at this party. I need to get my head around the whipped cream tasting like coconut. It adds a surprise twist to the flavours. I think the Thugs could rename this pie banana coconut cream pie and totally get away with it. It’s sort of tropical-beach-drinking-malibu-in-the-sunshine kinda pie, which is pie we like.

Added bonus: I’m over my fear of pie crusts now and will totally make them again. I’ve had my eye on the chocolate coconut pie in the Thug Kitchen Party Grub book.

Chocolate Fudge Pops

These were so good. In the interest of not making this blog post longer than it needs to be, I will tell the story mostly with images. Except for one terrible moment where it all went wrong.

Look at that gooey melted chocolate. Combine it with silken tofu and you’ll have the sweetest home-made ice cream pops you ever tried.

I poured them into the few molds I had and then used some silicon cupcake cups I found. But of course I was running around, stressing about time, and was also making the apple baked beans at the same time, so I tripped over carrying one of the cups to the freezer. Out of my mouth erupted the loudest ‘OH SHIT!!!’ that I think this house has ever heard. This was not what I needed.

It spilled out of the freezer, onto the floor, it even went inside the fridge door….and by inside I mean LITERALLY INSIDE a ripped crack that’s in the old rubber seal on the door to our old refrigerator. And by old, I mean OLD. When we first moved here and cleaned the fridge, let’s just say THANK FUCK FOR RUBBER GLOVES! You can only imagine the disgustingness that was inside a fridge as old as prehistoric times.

So, now, when spilling this otherwise lovely ice cream into not just the rubber seal, but the rip in the rubber seal I was just like FUCK THIS. I had no rubber gloves. I had to time for fridge slime. So on the trip to gorgeous-icecream-ville I had to make a stop at gag-city while I did my best to clean inside the crack without further ripping the rubber.

Anyway that last sentence sounds dirty in a whole other way so I think it’s time to move on. Here’s the finished result and they were PERFECT.

 

These things were the bomb. Whenever I’ve made home-made ice cream pops they’ve been shit. Fun to make, but not to eat. These are creamy and chocolatey, and perfect. You’d never know it was tofu that is the secret ingredient. And because it’s got an added source of protein you can enjoy these sweet, cold bastards guilt-free after a workout too.

We just ate ours in the garden.

Everyone is happy when they have ice cream in their belly.