Putting the Whore back in Whore-d’oeuvres

Having cooked all 115 recipes from the first Thug Kitchen cookbook, I moved on to the others. I’m enjoying every minute of it, as I’m sure you can tell.

Christmas is a batshit crazy time.

Everybody knows it, yet no one really questions it.

Everyone is on their ‘Best Behaviour’ during December because the so-called “Santa Claus” (picture me doing really exaggerated air quotes here) is allegedly watching, and openly judging us to see who deserves good presents. Stop jumping through hoops for that withholding fat bastard. Who is he to judge?

If you changed the way you behaved at any other time of year in order to be bought loads of presents by some random bearded dude, people would see it for what it was. Hooking, plain and simple. You’ve got yourself a sugar daddy.

So stop whoring yourself out to Santa and be your real self, even if it’s the kind of self that lounges on the sofa, farting and picking its nose while binge-watching TV shows and screening calls. Dare to be your true authentic self this year. I promise you, it’ll be worth it.

Today, we make Deviled Chickpea Bites from the Party Grub Book, and put the whore where it belongs – back into whore d’oeuvres.

These were beyond easy to make and so creamy and delicious. And I ain’t no expert, but if you’re not using eggs and mayo (as in the deviled egg version of this), then this has gotta have way less (if any) cholesterol in it. So your waist-line and heart health will thank you for these tasty treats as well.

First, you blend the chickpea topping. Then you just slather away like there’s no tomorrow. Plain and simple.

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As soon as I’d sprinkled the paprika and chopped chives on top it just looked fancier, you know? I could imagine some fancy suited waiter appearing with these on a tray at some glitzy Christmas party.

20171204_173157These were so good. And because there’s not tonnes of Dijon mustard in there they could definitely be child friendly too. I think next time I make them I may ramp up the mustard for that nasal-passage-clearing, eye-watering sting. Maybe I’d even lightly toast the bread. It’ll offer a slight opening crunch to keep you occupied until the Dijon sting unfolds in your flaring nostrils. I suspect your taste buds, mouth and nose will do a delighted little elvish dance, before your hands reach for some sort of seasonal beverage to quench the roaring fire that these little devils will have lit.

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So whether you’re having these alone or serving them for others, be prepared for a good time. Trust me, you won’t be able to have just one.

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Just remember, screw pleasing others, including Santa*, for the sake of social acceptance or external approval. Your own inner approval is what counts. Others don’t truly know what’s in your heart. Or (after eating these) what’s in your belly.

So just be yourself and not who others want you to be. With these hor d’oeuvres and a confident attitude you will go far in life.

* How insecure is that guy anyway? He is literally buying people’s affection with presents. He needs to chill the fuck out, let go of his self-doubt, and trust that people will like him for who is underneath his over-sized beard.

Better yet, take a razor to that thing and make some hairless person’s Christmas extra special. Maybe just leave a chin tickler for Mrs. Claus – she deserves a little something for all the hard work she does all year too.

 

 

 

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