Boozy Watermelon and Papaya Salad.

page 103 Thug Kitchen Party Grub book.

When it’s hot as balls and you need to rehydrate, fruit is an awesome way to do that. So throwing together this Thug Kitchen boozy watermelon and papaya salad is a fucking wicked excellent idea when there’s a heat wave going on. The tequila and jalapenos give this salad a surprise taste-face-punch that will knock your teeth out.*

I’m cooking all the recipes in all the Thug Kitchen cookbooks and I beckon you to join me for the flavoursome rollercoaster ride that I’m on. So far there are has only been one recipe that I didn’t dig, and I’ve cooked close to 180 recipes. (I think…it’s too hot to count right now.) The Thugs clearly know what they’re doing when it comes to kitchen badassery.

Today we scalp a watermelon and show that fucker who is boss.

My kitchen countertops are made from something that looks the shitty rubbery flooring you sometimes get near swimming pools. But rather than think of my counter top as ugly, I prefer to associate it with tropical holidays. You know, somewhere exotic with poolside bars serving colourful cocktails that have umbrellas and flamingos in them. With this fucking heat wave (I tell you, it’s hotter than a stripper’s ass) it’s not hard to picture sandy beaches, palm trees and tanned people on surfboards. (I’m a redhead and pale as fuck all year ’round so I can but admire others’ tans.)

Is it any wonder that I made this swimming pool/counter top connection while drinking the tequila? And have you noticed how little is left in the bottle since last I got it out for the Watermelon-Strawberry Tequila Punch?

Anyway, first I rustled up the dressing. I used maple syrup instead of agave syrup ’cause that’s the way I roll. I use the shit I already have in the cupboards. It’s not a crime to save money. I’m 100% sure that the Thugs agree. It seems to be their philosophy to inspire people to shove  healthy food into their faces as cheaply and easily as possible.

Once the dressing was made I sorted out the rest of the salad. Chop chop motherfucker, chop chop.

Such gorgeous colours. And who doesn’t love papaya and watermelon? The genius is to throw them together. And add savoury stuff. And booze.

I think I was meant to use red onions, but all I had were white and I figured it was just for the visual effect to use the red. An onion is an onion, right? So fuck it. I decided to use the optional jalepeno as well, ’cause…well…heat is welcome here.

Once I’d chopped it all up I gave it a gentle mix and it was ready to serve. It looked spectacular. Now I’m a little ashamed to say that I actually forgot to take a picture of the final result. We had a friend over and she’d brought food and booze and we started the night with some Baileys. One thing led to another, and before you knew it we were playing Cards Against Humanity, we’d stuffed our faces with food and we were pissing ourselves with laughter. Sometimes it’s best to just live in the moment.

So rather than make the whole salad again (I haven’t seen papaya at the store since) I thought I’d just do a drawing so you can get an idea what it looked like. I know it’s not the fucking same, but just humour me on this, okay? This heat is killing me. (Did I mention it’s hotter than Satan’s sweaty asscrack?)

By the way this shit is gooooood as a chunky salsa with tortilla chips. Very moreish. The coolness and fruitiness of the “salsa” goes really well with the salty crunch of the chips. #matchmadeinheaven

And if you do what I did and buy a watermelon the size of Bermuda you’ll have leftover watermelon for days. This fucker was too big to fit in the fridge! I had to take out a shelf!

So do yourself a favour and stay cool in this glorious heat wave by eating shit like this that will put the fluids back in. Especially when it’s hotter than a sidewalk in hell, hotter than a dragon in a sauna, hotter than running a marathon in the Sahara desert. Even hotter than a massage using Insanity Sauce on savagely sunburnt shoulders. I think you get the drift.

I’m not being sponsored by Insanity Sauce or anything, but have you tired it? OH MY GAWD! It actually made me cry it was so spicy. It was like being bitch slapped in the eyes by chillies.

* If you have dentures and the wind is blowing in the right direction.