When you can’t dine out, because everyone’s shouting about corona virus from the rooftops, you gotta eat in. (And maybe wear ear plugs because you can still hear those mo fos shouting on the roof)
I’d had it up to here with tinned soup, and baked beans and freezer foods so I decided to say Fuck it! With a capital F. Let’s dine in style tonight! So after taking inventory of what was left in the cupboards and leafing through my cookbooks I figured out what it was going to be. Thug Kitchen Borracho Squash and Bean Burritos from 101:Fast As Fuck! YEEEEESSSSS! It ticked all the quarantine boxes: I had a butternut squash in the fridge, and everything else was mainly stuff from the pantry.
First, I did a little victory dance in my kitchen because I had all the ingredients, and wouldn’t have to risk the outside world. Then remembering the outside world I furiously washed my hands…because, well….just in case.
I chopped onions, with loud happy music playing, and peeled the shit out of the butternut squash. I was so happy to be eating that fucker instead of some dried pantry bullshit yet again, that I wanted to kiss it and serenade it with song. I wanted to place it on an altar and worship it. I wanted to throw rose petals at its feet. Instead I cleared my throat (don’t worry, I didn’t cough) and got my shit together, washed my hands, and moved on.
I threw the onion in the saucepan, cooked it for a bit and then added the squash, jalapeño and the spices. It smelled AMAZING in my kitchen. I made the mistake of getting too close to the chilli and got some up my nose. I sneezed ferociously, which brought my whole family running to the kitchen with brows furrowed with concern, asking if I felt feverish. I reassured them I did not, washed my hands, and carried on.
I poured some corona beer into the saucepan because I thought why not? Corona beer is not the boss of me. I added the other stuffs like the Thugs instructed and let it simmer for about 20 mins.
This was perfect because it gave me time to wash up the knives and chopping boards I’d used. My son walked in asking if dinner was nearly ready and could he have a banana. I told him no, and reminded him to wash his hands. He sneezed suddenly. I think it was the chilli, but as a precaution I made him sit in the corner with a scarf over his head for 10 minutes so we could monitor his “symptoms”. (This also got him out of my hair while I was cooking, and helping myself to the corona beer.) Nothing else occurred so he was freed from his purgatory, and he ran downstairs after throwing a weird look my way. I think he may have smuggled a banana with him.
When the butternut squash was as soft as a baby’s bottom, or a roll of ULTRA SOFT toilet paper (remember those? Now I resort to wiping my ass with coffee filters), it was time to add in the lime juice and maple syrup. I was distracted because the song ‘My Sharona’ by The Knack came on the radio and I’d turned it up REAL LOUD was singing (shouting) along changing the words to ‘MY CORONA!’ I was so distracted that I picked up the hand-sanitiser in place of the maple syrup and nearly….and I mean NEARLY…poured it in. Phew. That would’ve sucked big time. I carried on singing and stirring.
It was time to eat, and after washing our hands for an inordinately long time we sat down at the table. We loaded up the burritos with random things I’d found in the fridge and the pantry. My son opted to stuff his burritos with baked beans rather than the delicious Thug Kitchen filling because he’s pretty much become addicted to them during the self-isolation period. It’s not my fault, we usually feed him a varied diet. This is what happens during a corona virus siege. Baked beans have become what we’ve had to eat almost every meal. It’s like his crack now. #BlameItOnCovid_19
We loaded up the ‘goddamn burritos’ – Thug Kitchen’s words, not mine (if you don’t believe me check out page 104) and had a feast fit for kings and queens.
I recommend the crap outta these for spicing up your COVID_19 isolation days, and if you’re in solitary confinement, then even better, because you won’t have to share these with anybody. More just for you! So seclude yourself on your sofa, with some good food and good TV.
After all, it’s not every day that the problem can be solved by staying the fuck at home and watching TV. That’s so simple that even we can’t fuck it up.