How do you like those plums, Grandma?

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The Challenge: To cook and blog about every single recipe in Bad Manners’ (previously Thug Kitchen) Brave New Meal cookbook in 365 days.
That’s 124 recipes in 365 days.


We are on day 129 and I’ve only cooked 15 recipes till now. (SHIT!) My calculations are telling me that that’s not good. At all. I’ve still got shitloads to cook, and I’ve foolishly (more like idiotically, or even moronically) decided to overreach and take a challenge to read 100 books in a year too.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?
I am behind on both things – obviously.

So I decided to calm my nerves by snacking.
Snacking is like therapy to me.

I grabbed my cookbook and leafed through it knowing there’d be some good shit waiting for me in there…and lo and behold on page 81 there it was: Plum Salsa.
I started to get excited. I checked to see if we had all the ingredients, and we did!
Recipe 16 here we come! (just 108 recipes more to go…)

I grabbed the plums and set to work.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have any red onion, but I figured white onion would do. I chopped like a crazy mofo, which is also therapeutic by the way…methodical and repetitive… Isn’t it amazing how things like cooking or even gardening can feel so relaxing and can clear your mind? It’s almost like meditation, but you get to eat at the end of it instead of falling asleep and waking up with your own drool on your face. And in your hand. And on the sofa.

While I was slicing and dicing I popped an audiobook in my ears (gotta try to catch up on all these books I’m meant to be consuming) and I was enjoying myself immensely until the goddamn asshole who wrote the book threw in a crazy twist to the plot. The main character KILLED. HER. OWN. GRANDMA.

I was so shocked that I stabbed myself with the knife in my finger – FAAAAAARK! Fortunately it was only on the nail, so nothing serious happened – my nail looked a bit mangled, but there was no pain. Phew. Close call.

But seriously. How could she?
My mind reeled as I was processing this. I carried on slicing plums in a daze.

Now I know you don’t know the main character in my book like I do, but WTF?!? Her VERY OWN GRANDMA. Who does that??

And my friend had recommended me this book. Was she off her rocker? What kind of person recommends this kind of savagery?

I absentmindedly poured myself a scotch and shoved a few sliced plums in my mouth. Wow. What a twist.

I moved on to chop the cilantro and jalapeno, trying not to wipe my eyes with my spicy fingers (it’s been known to happen) I pressed the garlic and then mixed it all up, sprinkling the salt on with an exagerated flourish (the scotch was kicking in)
It looked beautiful. The red with the green pop of colour from the fresh herbage and pepper. My mouth is literally watering as I remember it.

I popped it all in the fridge to marinate while I went to find out if we had any chips for transporting the salsa to my tastebuds or if I’d have to spoon it in with a soup ladle – or better yet drink it directly from a salsa turrine (no such thing but we should patent that shit you and I. We could be rich – who doesn’t like to drink their salsa directly from a fancy tureen?)
I noticed my kid had been suspiciously quiet for a while, and that usually spells trouble. Did I tell you about the time he climbed up on the radiator and then launched himself from it like some sort of flightless bird/superhero? The ensuing chaos as the radiator was ripped from the wall is indescribable. Afterwards he had the audacity to ask if he could try again because he’d forgotten to put on his superhero cape. SURE. Because THAT was what went wrong.

Anyway, I found him peacefully playing with legos at a safe distance from all the radiators, so I returned to the kitchen.

How beautiful is that salsa?
I couldn’t wait any longer and having no tureen to hand I settled for using tortilla chips like a normal person. I munched most of it (it was soooo good!) when I suddenly remembered that I’d forgotten to add the avocado!
The recipe had said wait with putting it in if you were going to refrigerate it (probably because it’d take a trip to brown-town otherwise).

I thought fuck it and kept munching. I had bigger things on my mind anyway.

HER OWN GRANDMA!!!

I MEAN….SHE KILLED HER!

By the time my family came in, they found me sitting there shaking my head, a look of disbelief on my face and an empty bowl in my hand.

Next time I’m making double and adding avocado.

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